She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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