I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
