I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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