I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
