We named our party play list daddy issues
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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