Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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