I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
