if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it's like heaven, but drunker
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
