i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize