Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
