he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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