I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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