I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
