I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
