Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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