he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
3pm strippers are depressing
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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