in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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