tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
