Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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