guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
