I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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