finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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