Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
