after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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