im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
