looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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