So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
please don't ironically join a cult
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