I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
