The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
should my penis look like a turkey
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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