you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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