im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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