I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
