no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
