WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
