if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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