I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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