She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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