Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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