Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
