Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize