True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
