Only a mothe r could love this liver
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
