i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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