Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
