I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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