Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Randomize
