history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
