He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
