I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
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