where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
