In America we eat man semen.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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