Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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