i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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