Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
