I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My ass is underappreciated
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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