Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
