I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
