I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize