Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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