he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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