dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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